Reasons for divorce often simmer, rarely boil over

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony may have divorced because of (alleged) infidelity, but according to marriage and relationship experts, theirs is not the typical reason for separating. Milwaukee residents, like most other normal people, are less likely to divorce because of one major reason and more likely to end their marriages because of reasons that are simple, everyday and “boring.”

That last adjective comes courtesy of Pamela Haag, a marriage expert who wrote a book called “Marriage Confidential.” She said most couples divorce because of a build-up “mundane, dreary, boring problems,” like dissatisfaction with intimacy, the slow accumulation of small annoyances and the snuffing out of the romantic flame.

Around 60 percent of divorces in the U.S. come from “low-conflict marriages,” according to marriage researcher Paul Amato. The term “low-conflict marriage”
basically refers to couples who do not have many explosive fights or frequent long-running disagreements, but do have simmering points of unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

In fact, in many divorces, there is not even one distinct reason that drives people to file, said Edward Hallowell, the director of the Hallowell Centers for Cognitive and Emotional Health and an author on the topics of marriage and divorce. Rather, it’s a collection of small things – a bundle of straw that breaks the camel’s back rather than a single strand, so to speak.

If you are not pleased with your marriage, it might not be a bad idea to spend some time alone and do some thinking. Are you interested in keeping the marriage intact? If you are, a consultation with a relationship or marriage therapist might do the trick, or at least give you the feeling that you did what you could to keep the marriage going. If you realize you are just not happy with your marriage, hopefully this information has dissuaded you from thinking that you should not seek a divorce just because there is not one big reason making you feel divorce might be a good idea. Many people divorce because their marriage has simply come to its natural endpoint, so you would be far from the only couple to do so.

Source: The Kansas City Star, “Till tedium do us part: Couples who want to avoid divorce had better sweat the small stuff,” Heidi Stevens, Sept. 8, 2011

Is Alzheimer’s an acceptable reason for a divorce?

People get divorced for many reasons, but should Alzheimer’s be one of them?

Conservative Christian minister Pat Robertson stirred up a minor scandal recently when he advised a caller to his television program “The 700 Club” that divorce would be okay if a spouse is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s. His view prompted much speculation and debate among family law practitioners, relationship experts and medical ethicists, which indicates that our society has yet to build consensus on how to treat those who have Alzheimer’s or other causes of mental decline.

Specifically, Robertson told the caller that the caller’s friend “should divorce (his wife) and start all over again, but…make sure she has custodial care, somebody looking after her.” He rationalized his decision by saying that marriage vows are dissoluble by death and that Alzheimer’s is “a kind of death,” since it marks the end of the person known to others and the start of someone with a new personality and diminished memories of the past.

Since many conservative Christians consider marriage to be the foundation of moral structure, other conservative Christian leaders reacted with surprised to Robertson’s apparent endorsement of divorce. One medical ethicist said Robertson’s view on the matter gives permission for the caregiver to move on, but does not take into consideration the patient.

On the other hand, other people have said they feel that a patient in the advanced stages of mental decline is not the same person who was healthy, so the bond created in marriage is dissolved by the person’s transformation. Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, for example, has said that she was not hurt when her husband, who had severe Alzheimer’s, fell in love with a woman at his care facility. She said the disease had taken away his memories and erased his feelings her, it was okay for him to develop feelings for someone else.

This could be one of those situations for which, at present, there is no correct answer. What are your thoughts? Is Alzheimer’s an acceptable reason to seek divorce?

Source: The New York Times, “Pat Robertson’s remarks on Alzheimer’s stir passions,” Erik Eckholm, Sept. 16, 2011.

Movies that may help children comprehend divorce

Many people in Milwaukee who have decided that divorce is the best option for them nevertheless worry about the impact the separation might have on their children. It can be hard for kids, especially younger ones, to envision the post-divorce future if they have nothing on which to model their expectations.

To provide examples so kids can develop an idea of what might lie ahead, family and relationship experts say it can be helpful show children movies with single parents as central characters. Seeing on-screen role models can help children develop ideas about what they might possibly expect.

Here are five movies with strong central characters who are single parents:

  • “Sleepless in Seattle”: One of the 1990s’ most iconic romantic comedies stars Tom Hanks as a grieving widower and single father. What is good about this movie is that the chain of events that eventually leads to Hanks’ and Meg Ryan’s characters meeting is set in motion by Hanks’ character’s son. This movie will introduce children to the idea that it can be a good idea for single parents to start dating again when the time is right.
  • “Waitress”: Keri Russell plays (surprise!) a small-town waitress who finds herself pregnant with her husband’s baby after she has separated from him. This independent film was praised by critics, but it does have some adult themes, so it is not a good choice for youngsters.
  • “About a Boy”: This Hugh Grant drama was not a big hit, but critics lauded it for its moving themes and excellent acting. Grant plays a shallow, self-centered bachelor who mends his ways after he strikes up a friendship with a 12-year-old boy whose mother could use a friend of her own.
  • “Jerry Maguire”: Renee Zellweger leapt to stardom with her portrayal of a single mom who falls for a callous sports agent (it’s the role for which she uttered the famous line “You had me at hello”). Bear in mind this movie is rated R.
  • “The Holiday”: If our female readers swoon over Jude Law, they are going to swoon even more when they see him playing a dedicated single father who is left to raise two girls after his wife dies. Luckily for him, Cameron Diaz is not only single, but loves making pillow forts with his daughters, too.

Source: Parenting, “11 Movies About Single Parent Families,” Christine Coppa, last accessed Sept. 21, 2011

Experts say divorcees must plan carefully for retirement

When you are in the throes of a divorce, it can be difficult to think of anything other than the matter at hand. Given how detailed divorce proceedings seem to be and how carefully attention must be paid to just about everything, that is, to a degree, understandable. Unfortunately, it seems that many divorced people do not think far enough ahead and are not saving enough for the single life ahead of them.

For instance, investment firm Charles Schwab recently found that while 85 percent of married Americans save for retirement, only about 67 percent of people who either have never been married or are divorced are doing the same. Retirement experts say both numbers should be higher, but the fact that single people are saving at a lower rate means they represent a demographic that seems to need more prodding.

One retirement expert said married people seem to save more because they are accountable to another person — a husband or wife. Single and divorced people do not have to answer to anyone and this creates the illusion that they can put off saving for retirement. Most financial and retirement experts would agree that it is never too early to start saving, so this impression can be bad if it lasts for too long.

A divorce expert also said that after a split, some people choose to “treat themselves” for awhile and then fall into a pattern of overspending that cuts into how much they can save. She said if you start saving right away, even if it is not much, you get used to the idea and it becomes a habit.

If you are interested in more information about being financially prepared, your attorney may have some websites or other resources to recommend. He or she will also likely know of a financial planner or other money-matters expert to whom you could be referred.

Source: Daily Finance, “Retiring Solo: Too Many Single and Divorcees Aren’t Saving Enough,” Catherine New, Sept. 14, 2011

Stressful divorces linked to increase in hair loss for women

Those who frequently read our Milwaukee divorce law blog may have come to the simple conclusion by now that the divorce process is complex. Not only do individuals suffer emotional pain when faced with the fact that their marriage is over, but recent studies have indicated that divorce can also take a toll on one’s physical health.

Last month, a study reported that men are more likely to gain weight after divorce. Our female readers may be happy to know that at least if their marriage fails they are less likely to gain weight after divorce, but women are not in the clear of dodging health concerns. Another study has indicated that divorce may actually cause hair loss in women.

So why is divorce affecting the health of men and women, and why are women more susceptible to losing their hair compared to men? For many, the answer is simple: divorce is stressful.

Those who are in the midst of a divorce have a lot on their mind. Divorce is a life-changing event. Living arrangements change, finances must be managed differently and families must adjust to following new visitation or custody schedules. All of these changes take place at the same time and can be very overwhelming if individuals do not have an attorney to guide them through the complex legal issues.

Both men and women experience stress during divorce, but the study suggests that women are more troubled by their emotions and all of the issues that must be addressed during divorce.

The study examined the correlation between one’s lifestyle and his or her hair pattern. Researchers analyzed how 84 female identical twins and 66 male identical twins were affected by external factors that are known to be linked to hair loss such as marital status, excessive sleep, tobacco use, sun exposure and alcohol.

The study concluded that women who were divorced or widowed experienced more problems with hair loss compared to women who were happy with their marriages. The majority of men experiencing hair loss was mainly due to genetics.

Although there is no scientific proof on how to prevent hair loss, individuals who work with an attorney during their divorce may experience less stress, and in turn preserve their health, knowing that their rights are properly being protected.

Source: The Huffington Post, “Hair Loss-Divorce Correlation: Study Suggests Splits Cause Hair Loss In Women,” Stephanie Hallett, Sept. 21, 2011

Sometimes marriages can be saved, but should they be?

After Milwaukee residents decide to divorce, is the marriage really over? Maybe, but maybe not. Some marriage and family law observers say that even after a couple makes the decision to end their relationship and goes about creating a child visitation schedule, making arrangements to divide their property, etc. there is a possibility the marriage could be saved. But that, of course, begs the question: should the marriage be saved in the first place?

One major factor that helps determine whether patching things up after reaching the decision to divorce is how quickly a couple made the call to end their relationship. If you and your spouse decided to separate after an argument about whose turn it was to take out the trash, for example, you two probably did not think things through. A clinical psychologist pointed out to a reporter that seeking counseling or reconciliation services can help a couple determine if divorce is really the right step for them. It would be better, of course, if you and your spouse sought these services before you decided to divorce, but that does not mean the advice and insight of a professional counselor or therapist cannot be helpful even if it is after the fact.

But it is important to keep in mind that some marriages cannot or should not be saved. Seeking a divorce is sometimes the option that makes the most sense for people. Filing for divorce does not mean you have failed. In the best circumstances, it means you have thought carefully about where (if anywhere) you see the relationship going and whether you want to be there.

In addition to making an appointment with a therapist or counselor to discuss your relationship, it might be a good idea to have a sit-down with a divorce or family law attorney if you are considering ending your relationship. This attorney could explain to you how the divorce process works and might be able to speak in general terms about how it would apply to your relationship (“in general terms” because details and precision require a lot more information and detail than you could give in an initial consultation.) Even if you decide that divorce is not right for you at this time, that is still helpful information to have.

In short, rushing into divorce is not a good idea. A divorce may be the right idea, but that is a conclusion you should reach after a period of thoughtful, informed decisionmaking.

Source: The Detroit Free Press, “Decision to divorce includes uncertainty, and many people change their minds,” Oct. 2, 2011

Collaborative divorce: right for some, but not for all

The executive director of the Collaborative Family Law Council of Wisconsin recently wrote an opinion piece for the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel in which he urged residents of Milwaukee and other Wisconsin cities to consider a means of separating to which they may not have previously given much thought — collaborative divorce. While there are benefits to collaborative divorce, there are drawbacks as well. Any Milwaukee resident who is thinking of separating with a spouse would do well to consider both the advantages and disadvantages of collaborative divorce, which will be briefly outlined here.

Collaborative divorce is somewhat similar to divorce mediation in that the objective is a parting of ways that is as easy as possible on the family as whole. Collaborative divorce incorporates the services of financial professionals, who try to help a couple reach a fair and just property division agreement that is in accord with the law, and therapists and relationship experts, who address emotional needs. This gentle and holistic approach is just the right fit for some people.

But as you can tell, involving that many professionals in one process can get quite expensive. Another drawback is that if the collaboration fails, your attorney may not be able to represent you if the divorce goes to litigation – shouldn’t people be allowed to choose whichever representation they wish? Lastly, while no one likes fighting, it is just a fact that sometimes a fair-but-firm stance is necessary in a divorce, and collaborative law setup may not provide that.

Have you had experience with either type of divorce? Do you think collaborative divorce is a viable option, or do you think it really only works for a few rare couples?

Source: The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, “A better way in divorce process,” Brian H. Jensen, Sept. 15, 2011

Women must mind money matters after divorce

Some divorce experts say that divorce is harder on women than it is on men — not necessarily on an emotional or physical level, but in a financial sense. This is something people, not only those in Milwaukee but everywhere, need to factor into their plans if they decided to end their relationships.

According to divorce experts, many women lack even basic money management skills. Now, they do not say that because women are not capable of handling their own finances or because woman cannot be independent. Rather, they make that observation because in the division of labor, it is often the male half of a couple who handles the finances. That means the wife may never gets the hands-on experience one needs to become financially literate. This becomes a problem when a couple splits up. If the former husband has always managed the family treasury, so to speak, the former wife may not know how to do necessary things like apply for a mortgage, file taxes, plan investments, etc. And of course, after the divorce, she will need to know how to do these things on her own.

This is really a concern nowadays since the economy is faring so poorly and money is tight for everyone. When the family budget is lean, there simply is not room even for one or two mistakes. Also, the pool of marital assets may have been diminished by the crummy economy, so women may start out with less than they need and may not have the necessary experience to know how to get their own financial picture to improve.

If you are a woman and you are thinking about divorce, ask your family law attorney if he or she has a financial professional whom he or she can recommend. Another option is to look into whether there are financial literacy classes at your local library or community center. How you will manage your finances after you divorce is definitely something you should think about, but there is no reason it should stop you from making this move if you think it is the right step for you.

Source: Reuters, “Divorce stress meets recession mess, and women struggle” Lou Carlozo, Oct. 14, 2011

Further thoughts on the rising number of Baby Boomer divorces

As we have reported before, the divorce rate among those over 50 is moving up as divorces overall are holding steady. Those numbers seem to disprove the conventional wisdom people in Milwaukee have that divorce is only for young people who rushed into ill-advised unions. That people over 50 are splitting up in eye-catching numbers, then, may not be new, but it is such an interesting trend that researchers keep studying it in hopes of better understanding the social forces that are driving this trend.

One researcher recently said she believes the increase in Baby Boomer divorces is due to the increase in professional opportunities for women over the past few decades. When many Baby Boomers were first married, women did not have as many professional opportunities. These days, of course, that has changed. This has led many women to realize they desire a career and could support themselves without a spouse’s income. This is not to say it is impossible to have a career and a marriage, but in at least some cases, it has led women to think they want something other than a marriage and a life at home.

Also, our society’s changing views on marriage and divorce can probably account for a lot of this trend. Simply put, we no longer look down on people who get divorced. It is not a mark of failure; it simply means two people decided the best thing for them would be to separate. In some cases, the ex-spouses even remain friends. People across society seem to recognize and accept this.

Milwaukee residents who are thinking about divorce, then, should not worry about how it may seem to other people. The rising divorce rate among Baby Boomers shows that divorce is a viable, socially acceptable option for anyone. We all hope marriages work out, of course, but in many cases they do not. If the latter is the case with your marriage, you may want to speak to a family law attorney about your options.

Source: The Akron Beacon Journal, “Divorce rate rising for baby boomers,” Kim Hone -McMahan, Oct. 18, 2011

Crime novelist Elmore Leonard, wife divorce

The reasons behind a divorce are often private (as they should be, since is a deeply personal decision). This is not usually how it goes with celebrities, however, since people are so interested in every detail of their lives. But the case of popular crime novelist Elmore Leonard bucks that trend. Reporters in his native Detroit only recently learned that Leonard his wife of 18 years are separating and the reasons behind the divorce are (surprise, surprise) a mystery.

If Leonard’s name is not familiar to people in Milwaukee, his work certainly is. Over his 60-year career, he has written dozen of crime bestsellers. Several of his works, including “3:10 to Yuma” have been turned into hit movies. He has also written screenplays for the FOX TV show “Justified.”

Evidently, Leonard and his wife Christine began the separation process very quietly earlier this year. In May, she filed for divorce and cited a breakdown of the marriage, but did not offer any details The Leonards are a very private couple, so news of their separation only became known after a reporter came across records of the separation filed with Oakland Circuit Court in Michigan.

One rather unusual aspect to the Leonards’ divorce is that Christine Leonard has sought a restraining order against Elmore Leonard that would prevent him from making any big changes to the couple’s assets, such as altering life insurance plans or transferring large amounts of money. She has asked that he continue to pay her living expenses as the two of them work out the divorce. She probably made this request because Leonard’s earnings as an author made up the bulk of their likely considerable fortune.

Source: The Detroit News, “Author Elmore Leonard, wife to divorce,” Mike Martindale, Oct. 20, 2011