A child-positive divorce can be fact, not fiction

True or false: divorce is invariably devastating to children.

The answer: false. A child psychologist who wrote a book on the behavior displayed by adolescents after their parents divorced said there is no question that children can thrive after their parents separate – as long as their parents do so with some thought and care.

There are plenty of frightening tales about the effects divorce has upon children, but in many instances, those stories contain merely a grain of truth and have been greatly exaggerated over time. It takes a little work to make sure your divorce is not unduly hard on your children, but it is not a Herculean task.

After one woman and her husband decided to divorce, for example, they made sure to stress to their two daughters that they would remain a family, that neither parent saw a divorce coming when they married and that each parent still loved both girls very much. It is probably a good idea to offer your children similar reassurances quite often. You may assume they already know you love them, but that’s the kind of thing it’s hard to repeat too often.

Another method many people have found to make divorce less acrimonious is to try divorce mediation. This less adversarial process doesn’t work in every circumstance, but in many cases it can be easier, cheaper and less draining for everyone involved than a traditional divorce might be.

If you and your spouse are thinking about separating, it might be best to speak to a family law attorney before the two of you agree on anything. Good divorce lawyers take the time to learn what sort of help and services you need and will be able to refer you to other professionals in the event that you need services, like financial advice or family counseling, which he or she cannot provide.

Source: The Wall Street Journal, “The Child-Focused Divorce,” Elizabeth Bernstein, Sept. 6. 2011.